


The Note

by soniaaaa



Series: Supernatural One Shots [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Mentions of Suicide, Suicide, talk of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 16:14:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2857025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soniaaaa/pseuds/soniaaaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Sam discover your plan to kill yourself through the note that you accidentally left out. They try to convince you that you're worth saving, but you're not sure if you really are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Note

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic, the main character is struggling with the need to kill herself. This was really just a way of expressing how I feel. If suicide, cutting or anything even remotely close is triggering in any way, please do NOT read this. If anyone is struggling with depression or anything else, just know that you can always talk to me. I may not always be here, but I will always listen and respond as soon as I can.

You sat in your room in the bunker with silent tears running down your face. You couldn't do this anymore. Not only was hunting extremely taxing on the soul, but you couldn't keep being used as the boys' weak points. Dean had almost made another deal because you couldn't keep your ass out of trouble. Of course he blames himself. You looked down at your wrists, lined with cuts. Some were still bleeding The brothers thought that they were all from your time with vampires, but most weren't. The first time you cut yourself was after they had saved you from the vampires. The pain had become addicting and it had felt even better when you could do it to yourself. It was the only control you had in your life. You looked down at the still blank paper. You had to write quickly, the boys wouldn't be gone forever.

_Dean and Sam,_

_I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle life anymore. In no way was this either of your faults. Dean I know you. I know you'll blame yourself, but please don't. You boys saved my life and I can't thank you enough. This is my choice and only my choice. Nothing you do could have stopped me. Sammy, please, please take care of both of you. Keep on saving the world, but you two don't go dying on me now. I just really want you both to know that I loved you with all of my heart and I'm sorry for being so selfish, but you have to understand, I can't keep being your weak point. You guys need to be able to do your job without me getting in the way. Again, please, both of you, this was my choice. Dean, I just want you to know, thank you so much for... Everything. You and Sammy saved my life. And Sam thank you for that too._

You looked up from the piece of paper and wiped your eyes. The tears and blood were starting to smudge the ink and you couldn't see through your tears. You brought the pen back to the paper when you heard the door slam. Damn it! They were back! You struggled to find a place to hide the note. They were back much sooner than you thought they would be. You heard footsteps outside of your room and you shoved the note under under a notebook. You yanked your sleeves down and quickly dried your eyes when your door opened.

"Hey, (Y/N), we just got back and- are you ok?" you heard Dean say.

You inwardly cussed and turned around. You needed to get him out of here quickly so that you could bandage your wrists and properly hide your notes. You nodded and murmured, "Flashback..." They hadn't troubled you in a while, but Dean would believe you, though it would be the next hunt before you could get him to leave you alone again.

"Oh they're back? Here, lay down," Dean said, guiding you to your bed. "Do you need something?" He looked very concerned.

"I just need to sleep. Like actually sleep," you sighed. That part was true.

"I'll stay here and make sure you're ok. Sam's just looking for another case anyways."

"Dean, really, I'm ok. You don't have to stay."

"I know, but I'm going to," Dean said, stubbornly.

You sighed and turned over, trying to keep your wrists under you. Before you knew it you were fast asleep.

_You bolted up in your bed. Instinctively you knew this was just a dream. You looked down at your wrists. The blood was flowing freely. Suddenly, Dean and Sam burst into the room. You tried to convey to them that you were ok, but you were gagged. You looked down and noticed that you were bloody and sitting on a barn floor. You tried to take your gag off and jumped when you realized that your wrists were tied behind you. Dean and Sam morphed into the vampires that had tortured you for so long. They came at you baring their fangs. You squeezed your eyes shut and suddenly you were standing on top of a bridge. "No! (Y/N)!" Dean yelled behind you. You turned around confused and saw Sam and Dean running at you. You opened your mouth to tell them that it was ok, but you had already fallen off the bridge. You flew through the air and just before you hit the water, it turned into pavement and someone caught you. You looked up and saw that it was Dean. "Wake up! (Y/N) wake up, please!' he said. You were about to ask why he was saying that when you woke up._

"(Y/N)," Dean said, shaking you.

You stirred and opened your eyes. "Dean?" you asked, your voice filled with sleep.

"(Y/N)?" he asked looking extremely sad, also slightly mad.

"What?" you asked before you saw the note in his hand. "Oh," you said, your voice weaker.

You looked down and saw your wrists bandaged. "Oh," you said again, softer. You looked up expecting Dean to full on yell at you, but it never came. He just looked upset and disappointed. After what seemed like forever, he spoke.

"I guess I don't need to ask why..."

You looked away, tears pooling in your eyes.

"How were you going to..." Dean said quietly.

"What?" you asked looking at him. You wiped a tear off your face.

"How were you going to do it?" he repeated a little more harshly.

You looked away again and wiped another tear off of your face. "Dean-"

"Please, (Y/N). I just want to know."

You sighed and looked down. "I was going to slit my wrists. Vertically so it couldn't be stitched back up," you said, almost in a whisper.

Sam chose that moment to walk into the room. He looked just as sad as Dean, but he just looked sad, he wasn't mad. He sighed and handed you a cup of tea. You took it, mumbling thanks. He sat down on the edge of your bed. Dean stood up and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Sam looked up at you with those big puppy dog eyes.

"You don't get in the way, you actually help a lot, you know," he said quietly.

Tears were just streaming out of you eyes at this point. You wanted to scream at them, make them understand, but you couldn't get any words out.

"So um," Sam continued scratching his head awkwardly, "Dean wants to know where your razors are..." he paused again looking around awkwardly. You felt as each words was dragging a razor through your heart. "He already took all of them out of the bathroom, but there wasn't any blood, so..." Sam looked down. "I'm sorry," he added.

You knew they would- at least Dean- tear through your room until they found it. You really didn't want to give them up, it would be giving up the control you had over your life. You wondered if you could make do with a knife until you convinced the brothers that you were ok. You didn't really want to try. You liked the razor because it was easy to control. A knife is too big. Maybe you could hide one razor and give Sam the others. Would he know? Probably not until it was too late. You nodded and moved to stand up. Sam pushed you back down onto the bed.

"Where are they?" he asked, indicating that he would get them.

"No I'll get them," you said trying to get up again.

"No.  _I'll_ get them," Sam said, pushing you back down.

You racked your brain trying to think of if you separated your stack of razors. Unfortunately, you didn't think that you had.

"I don't quite remember...?" you said, trying to sound sincere, but it came out more like a question.

Sam's hand slammed down onto the bed, making you jump. "Damn it, (Y/N)! You don't 'remember'? We're trying to help you here!" he yelled at you.

You started crying again. When you could talk again you said, "Well maybe I don't want help! Who said that you get to decide whether I live or not? What if you were saving me by letting me do this!"

"This is you being 'saved', because this is not the right way to go!" Sam said, desperate.

"Think about it this way, Sammy," you cringed at his reaction to being called 'Sammy', but continued, "Life is a flame. Everyone has their hand in the fire. Some people just get burned more than others. Some people, they're tired of being burned and they have the strength to pull their hand out of the flame and walk away. Why are you keeping me in the flame? I'm tired of burning and I have the strength to pull my hand out. Why are you stopping me from being free?" You were overcome by another round of tears, these weren't so silent, however.

"Because you deserve to live! That is also the crappiest analogy I've ever heard. Is that saying me and Dean aren't strong enough? Because I would have to say that we're being burned pretty badly."

"No, you just have more reason to stay than I do. You save people, hell, the world. What do I do? Almost get Dean sent back to Hell."

"But you didn't! You got yourself and Dean out of it!"

"And the time you turned yourselves in to the angels because they had captured me?"

"Again, we got out of that because of you!"

"You were in it because of me..."

Sam stood up in frustration. "And what about Dean? You were just going to leave him here. You weren't going to ever tell him how you felt?"

"Now that would be really selfish. What's the point of telling him if I'm just going to die?"

"And you never stopped to consider that he feels the same way?"

"I- wait what?" you asked in confusion. Forgotten tears still streamed out of your eyes.

"Why do you think he was so mad?" Sam asked, seeing that he was getting to you. He opened his mouth to say more, but didn't when the door slammed open.

"Sammy, why don't you leave for a moment," Dean said quietly.

"Dean-" he started.

"Just leave."

Sam turned around and left, shutting the door gently behind him. Dean slowly made his way over to you. You were scared. More than you ever had been in your life. When was he just going to snap and yell at you? The silence and quietness was worse than anything else he could have possibly done. He sat next to you on the bed and just sat there for a moment before gently wiping the tears off of your face. You looked up at him in confusion and waited for him to speak.

"Sammy was right. You do deserve to live," he said after a while.

You turned your head away and wiped away new tears. The blatant disappointment in every word was the hardest thing you'd ever have to listen to. Dean put a finger under your chin and turned your head so you were looking at him. You couldn't stand looking at him, so you closed your eyes. You squeezed them shut as tight as you could and hoped that they would never open again. Dean ran a finger along your jaw and then his thumb lightly across your cheekbone. He leaned down so his forehead was on yours. You opened your eyes in confusion. The hurt, sadness and disappointment was radiating from his eyes, but also something else. There was also love. Dean pulled back and stood to leave. He got to the door before turning around and saying, "Razors, please." You wordlessly directed him towards your stash of razors in your desk drawer. He pulled them out and left the room without another word.

The valiant efforts of the boys did save you, for a couple of months at least. You and Dean had spent more time together, just doing normal things, like watching movies. You hadn't cut in a while. There seemed to be more good days than bad days, but eventually that bad day came. You had pulled out the razors again after a long time of debating wether to or not to. The boys weren't around. They were off on a case. The razor felt like an old friend to you. You dragged the blade across your skin and opening up your skin was like breaking down a dam. All the feelings of despair, hatred and sadness came rushing back to you. All the times when Sam came back seriously injured because Dean had insisted on staying with you. All the times when you weren't good enough for Dean. All the times when you wished to run the razor across your skin one more time and felt guilty for it. This time the decision was harder, but you made it for a second time. You would kill yourself and this time there would be no one to stop you. You sat down and wrote your note for the second time, making sure to fully explain yourself. You reread the note for what seemed like the hundredth time before you added what you wanted to be your last words. You signed it and set it on the kitchen counter. You then laid on your bed and made the cuts. As you felt your life fade away, you smiled. Dean would move on. He would find someone that could actually support him and not drag him down. Sam would have his hunting partner back. No more coming back home injured. Or at least, less injured. And you. You finally did it. You found the strength to pull yourself out of the flame once and for all. You were done burning.

Dean and Sam came back from their hunt only a few hours after you had faded away. Sam was the first to see your note and as soon as he had read the first line, he dropped the note and rushed into your bedroom, yelling for Dean. Dean had run in after him and after seeing your body on the bed, crumpled to his knees, his head in his hands mumbling your name. Sam stood there in shock, not knowing if he should check the body or comfort Dean. Eventually he decided to kneel next to Dean. He put his hand on Dean's shoulder and started trying to come up with something- anything- that would console his brother. After a few hours, Sam had convinced Dean that they needed to move your body. Sam had wanted to give you a traditional hunter's burial and Dean wanted to bury you. He swore he would bring you back. After another hour, Sam had finally convinced Dean to read your note. It tore him into pieces. After reading it, he silently agreed to burn your body. After your funeral, the two brothers returned to hunting. Dean drifted away from his brother for a while. He joked less and talked less. He became almost a cold blooded killing machine. He always kept your note close to him, somewhere where he would always have access to it. He always took it out and read it whenever he was ready to give up. Whenever he missed you the most or whenever he felt like drinking because he had failed you. He had failed you once and he didn't intend to do it again, wether your were alive to see it or not. But most of all, Dean always, without fail, pulled out your note whenever he felt like the burning had become too much to bear, and with your words, he was able to keep his hand in.

_Dean and Sam,_

_This is the second time that I've had to write this note, but hopefully I will finish this one. The months since you found me had been the best in my life. I don't think I've ever smiled so much. The thing is, even though these were my best months, it just wasn't enough. I can still feel the burn, worse than ever before. I carry with me too much pain and guilt. I will never be able to get rid of these. I don't know how to better explain this, but I can try. Dean you need to go back to hunting with Sam. Every time that he came back more injured than he should have been, was like a stab to my soul. You can tell me as many times as you like that I'm not a burden, but I know I am. You may not think of me that way, but I am. Dean, I don't want to be a burden. Every day you spend with me, is another life actually worth saving that wasn't saved. We're both broken and damaged and I can't keep solely relying on you to be my crutch. You need someone who can be your crutch once in a while. I know that you don't like to think of yourself that way Dean, but you need someone who can actually be there for you. Wether you just stick with brotherly love, or you move on is up to you, but I can't keep distracting you. I would just leave, if I could, but a life without my boys isn't a life at all. Dean, I know you. You'll try to bring me back. Insist on burying me in a pine box and demand Castiel to find me and bring me back from the dead. Please Dean, don't. If you have any amount of respect and love for me in your heart, please don't try to bring me back. I'm happy where I am. I don't want my hand to be dragged back into the flame, please. I just have a few last wishes, and if you follow any of them this would be it. Sam, just keep hunting. You're an amazing person and the world wouldn't be the same without you. Keep smiling though, Sammy. You are NOT a monster or a freak, no matter what anyone says. Dean, you have one of the most beautiful souls a human could possibly have. I knew that from the moment you busted down the door and saved me from the vampires. If you're ready to hear another one of my wishes, don't give up hope. I have, but I never want that for you, not in a million years. My green eyed knight. Keep on saving people. The world needs you, Dean Winchester. I don't know what would happen if it didn't have you. Also, please stop blaming things on yourself. Though yes, your job is "saving people, hunting things", it is not your personal responsibility to save ever last human being on planet earth. If someone slips through the cracks, feel remorse, yes, but do NOT blame it on yourself. If you chose to believe this about one person and one person only, let it be me. You couldn't have stopped my death, Dean. This was my choice. Not in any way yours. I don't blame you one bit, and you shouldn't either. Don't ever let Sam leave you, Dean. He is the greatest gift you will ever have. Those are my last wishes in life. Dean, no matter what, never forget that I love you. I know you love me too, so don't feel guilt about not being able to say it. You don't have to. I know. I have to say it again. I love you, Dean Winchester._

_Love,_

_(Y/N)_


End file.
